“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
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Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing