A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
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Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.