I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
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I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Have kids, they said
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Yup
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”