imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
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Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula