Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
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“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
they should invent a rest for the wicked
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.