6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
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Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Beware…..
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Meow
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.