“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
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[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.