Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
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They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.