I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
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*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.