ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
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Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
lmao
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Nothing to do, you say?
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Woke up with morning Yule Log
shit just got real
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.