how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
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This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
My life in a nutshell
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98