As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
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“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
had to share :’)
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”