I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
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How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.