Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
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me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.