6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
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*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS