Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
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WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question