“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
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[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)