This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
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wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Anime is real
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything