me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Does your wife know you’re single?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.