I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
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COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
This week’s mood.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.