Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
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No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.