REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
You Might Also Like
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
i’m still crying at this
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me