Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
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Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Oh. My. God.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes