I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
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Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
They’re the worst 😩
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic