Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
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If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Plant care tips
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.