me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
You Might Also Like
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats