Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day