3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
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I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.