One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
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Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
A man of commitment.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
*watches the world burn*
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.