Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.