Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
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The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
A short story about romance.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…