Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit