Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
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Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.