Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
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I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”