“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
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I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.