CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.