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Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER