Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
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My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best