Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
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[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac