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*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
⚠️ Important Reminder:
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.