Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
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[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder