Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
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I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Every work call, he judges.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
is this a threat