JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
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uncle dave has been through hell
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee