If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
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Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”