Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
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My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Can Happiness buy money?
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.