I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
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HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
i have one speed and it’s mosey
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”