Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
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My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Birds & Planes.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.