What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
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Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
BRAKING NEWS!!
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.