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PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
i really liked this one
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.