*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
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me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.